So I feel guilty about not updat­ing at all in December.

I hate feel­ing guilty.

In a way its why I hate being in debt (to any­one for any reason.)

I also hate new years res­o­lu­tions, but since I had such a great time over the past few weeks, I made one this year.

Its not the typ­i­cal res­o­lu­tion, I can’t stand peo­ple that think an incre­men­tal change of “1” is going to sud­denly improve their for­tunes in life, love, busi­ness, etc.

Just because the year is now 2010, doesn’t mean you’ll sud­denly get a great pro­mo­tion, or lose 20 pounds, or get engaged/married/pregnant/etc.

The year isn’t the prob­lem, WE are the prob­lem, and we can change when­ever we want.

But yeah, so rant aside, I made a res­o­lu­tion, its a stretch (not really a lie, right?) to say it was entirely a “new years” res­o­lu­tion, because really its been on my mind since the day I was dis­charged from the navy last september.

I can’t even post the real res­o­lu­tion, because its too per­sonal, too raw, too absolutely insane, and I’m way too scared of how peo­ple will react, friends I might lose, and fam­ily that may dis­own me.

Instead I’ll post a use­lessly vague sen­tence that could encom­pass an infi­nite num­ber of issues/problems/etc. and hope that its enough to set my mind at ease for now.

So what’s my hope­lessly vague sentence/resolution?

To finally con­front my deepest/darkest fear/issue/denial, and hope­fully find some solace and help in mak­ing future deci­sions, and reliev­ing these intense feel­ings of guilt and uncer­tainty that plague me every day of my life.

So much for writ­ing a happy blog post.

So yeah, I’m still here, life is fairly nor­mal, there are ups and downs (and of course an infi­nite num­ber of over­lap­ping waves to these cycles) and right now seems to be com­ing off a short up, and hope­fully into a short down.

I really don’t like being on the down/bottom of these curves/waves, but I under­stand that the ups can’t last forever.

Every­thing bal­ances out some­how, right?