I hate feeling guilty.

In a way its why I hate being in debt (to anyone for any reason.)

I also hate new years resolutions, but since I had such a great time over the past few weeks, I made one this year.

Its not the typical resolution, I can’t stand people that think an incremental change of “1” is going to suddenly improve their fortunes in life, love, business, etc.

Just because the year is now 2010, doesn’t mean you’ll suddenly get a great promotion, or lose 20 pounds, or get engaged/married/pregnant/etc.

The year isn’t the problem, WE are the problem, and we can change whenever we want.

But yeah, so rant aside, I made a resolution, its a stretch (not really a lie, right?) to say it was entirely a “new years” resolution, because really its been on my mind since the day I was discharged from the navy last september.

I can’t even post the real resolution, because its too personal, too raw, too absolutely insane, and I’m way too scared of how people will react, friends I might lose, and family that may disown me.

Instead I’ll post a uselessly vague sentence that could encompass an infinite number of issues/problems/etc. and hope that its enough to set my mind at ease for now.

So what’s my hopelessly vague sentence/resolution?

To finally confront my deepest/darkest fear/issue/denial, and hopefully find some solace and help in making future decisions, and relieving these intense feelings of guilt and uncertainty that plague me every day of my life.

So much for writing a happy blog post.

So yeah, I’m still here, life is fairly normal, there are ups and downs (and of course an infinite number of overlapping waves to these cycles) and right now seems to be coming off a short up, and hopefully into a short down.

I really don’t like being on the down/bottom of these curves/waves, but I understand that the ups can’t last forever.

Everything balances out somehow, right?

It bothers me more than almost anything [and almost certainly more than it bothers anyone else] when I’m compared to my siblings/relatives, and as such, I tend to compare myself to them increasingly more often, which in turn, creates a very destructive circle, in which I’m always the failure. As such, I end up thinking that people compare me to my siblings (and even my extended relatives) more than they probably do, which re-inforces my feeling of being a failure.

And when forced to be measured by the scales [or in the contexts] that measure them, I am a failure, because those scales and contexts are not the right tools by which to understand me and my life.

My brother and sister succeeded because self-reliance in the context of social-contract was one of the single most important goals for themselves; they both vowed to never end up like our parents, and worked their asses off to do so.

I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to be able to remain close to my family, without feeling like a failure, or without sacrificing myself to medication, which I  know is not the right solution.

So I’m left with the understanding that for now at least, I need to find my own context by which to be understood, that doesn’t involve comparison to my family.

“I’m going away for a while
But I’ll be back, don’t try and follow me
’Cause I’ll return as soon as possible
See I’m trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there’s no one road
We should not be the same
But I’m just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles”

– Paramore, “Misguided Ghosts”

– Paramore, Misguided Ghosts

Edited @ 11:30am, Thursday October 15, 2009, for brevity (and to minimize awkward phone calls and “intervention” attempts from friends/family.)

Here goes, its OK to resent me, I represent and embody the failure of my parents, the disaster that was my childhood, and pretty much every bad decision I’ve ever made.

Why deny that? Why be ashamed of that? Why sugarcoat it?

My siblings and relatives are more intelligent, more talented, and generally more grounded individuals, and were all guaranteed to succeed in the modern world/life in general.

I’m not.

I’m the failure of the family.

Further, I AM a failure because of me, not because of mom or dad, or anyone else.

So please don’t try to cover-up your resentment, don’t hide it in anyway, just accept it, and live with it, because I’m tired of the bullshit.

flounder 1 |ˈfloundər|verb [ intrans. ]struggle or stagger helplessly or clumsily in water or mud : he wasfloundering about in the shallow offshore waters.• figurative struggle mentally; show or feel great confusion : she floundered, not knowing quite what to say.• figurative be in serious difficulty : many firms are floundering.

I suppose that’s an adequate definition for my life. I like to start things, and not finish them. I generally have no idea what I want to do with my life, and I have no remarkable talents nor aptitude for anything in particular.

I grew up poor, and somehow have a fondness of expensive goods/clothes/cars/etc., which I can never really afford, so then whenever I have the opportunity to buy something nice, I wind up broke again.

I’ve spent the entirety of my adult life struggling to find my professional identity, to determine what it is that I’m supposed to do with my life, who I’m supposed to work for, what my job speciality ought to be, and at 26 years old, I’ve thus far concluded that I don’t know anything about what I want to do with my life, nor what career/profession I should pursue.

Perhaps the only thing that I do know, is that the Navy is not right for me, but really, what good does that do me?

The psychologist that evaluated my fitness for duty in the U.S. Navy told me that often, highly intelligent people have a hard time finding their path in life, and while I’ve never considered myself intelligent, if this is true, why would anyone want to be intelligent?