michaelmallon.net

My Dad - Jill’s Blog

I am totally exhausted but I am so very proud of both of my brothers. They have really stepped up through all of this. I may have talked about my youngest brother, Michael, before. I’ve always had a hard time with him because he is so damn intelligent but I have often felt the he sabotages himself and doesn’t take advantage of his full potential. Maybe the reason he has floundered a bit until now is just so that he could still be at home and available to help my dad, and the rest of us, through this time. Knowing he is there with my dad and taking care of what needs to be done is a huge relief.

it would be nice if that were true… but i’ve “floundered” because that’s simply who i am.

the dynamics of a multi-sibling relationship cannot ever be truly understood by those involved in one. none of us can ever truly know what the other feels as a result of their “position” in the family line. maybe the eldest feels too much pressure from the responsibility of being a role-model for the younger. maybe the youngest feels most emotionally neglected. maybe the elder two both resent the youngest because of the material attention.

i don’t know. does it even matter?

we are who we are, from one moment to the next, until something major comes along to shake our foundations, then inevitably, we shift and sway a little, and regardless of how well we are put back together, we’re different, sometimes negatively sometimes positively, sometimes majorly, sometimes only slightly.

it all comes down to conviction, and community.

we change based on how strongly trying times shake our conviction, and in turn, that waning is minimized by how much support we receive from our community of family, friends, co-workers, etc.

so when one lacks any sort of strong convictions, and has an exceedingly small community to offer support, do they change in small steps, or large steps? do they have any underlying self that can weather the storm?

if, by chance, some part of them survives, and becomes the basis of their self, then where do they go? does their potential stay the same as before or is it too changed?

is anything constant?