michaelmallon.net

emotions

Michael — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 06:53:00 +0000

For the first time in my memory, I don’t feel bad about feeling, anything at all, happy, sad, excitement, fear, nervousness, and on and on.

I feel like me.

And I like being able to be open and honest about how I feel, with myself if I’m shy, or with friends and family if I want/need their support, advice, etc.

Mostly though, I find I feel excited. Excited by being happy, excited to just be me, and excited to move forward.

still here

Michael — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 22:45:12 +0000

I feel guilty for not blogging the past few days.

I also feel kind of strange that my pattern seems to be continuing, so far, of being totally right about people having the wrong frame of reference for me, but also, about being very wrong in all my predictions of how those people will react once they have the right frame of reference.

So now I’m starting to feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, again.

I just want to be able to move on with my life, I want to continue to feel good about myself everyday, and I want the people I care about to know that I feel good about myself, and that maybe, my life will actually turn out ok now

I also want a camera again, and I’m sure anyone who reads my blog is tired of me posting that, since realistically, nobody is going to spend $2k on camera and lens, just because I put it on an internet “wishlist.”

Still though, I really miss photography, I don’t think I ever realized just how much I enjoyed it, until I sold my camera.

delighted

Michael — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 06:20:08 +0000

I never would have thought that I’d be so delighted by being wrong about people.

reconnecting

Michael — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 19:05:07 +0000

So I’ve been blogging a lot lately (as if people can’t tell merely from reading) and its made me realize that while I’m intentionally vague and obscure online, that I need a place to be open and honest, and for me, thats turned out to be writing in a physical journal, by hand again.

And while this will only really mean anything to maybe two people, I bought a cheap(ish) fountain pen, and new journal as a kind of blank slate/new beginning and also to be a reminder for myself to actually write, be open and honest with myself, and keep moving forward, and its working already.

Anyway, in my search for this blank slate, I’ve been finding all sorts of pens, inks, and journals that seem to have sparked a new interest in me, and I’ve added a couple items to my wishlist, but really want a few “Canteo” A5 sized ruled notebooks, but alas, they’ve yet to find a U.S. distributer, and the only North American supplier I can find is Nota-Bene in Canada, and with international shipping an A5 sized ruled Canteo ends up costing almost $40 usd, and is thus out of my price-range.

Shameless plea over =)

one step forward

Michael — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 06:15:29 +0000

So, I’m sure most people know that emotions can feed on each other; its easy to get depressed about being depressed, or become anxious about being anxious (for anyone familiar with me and my past blogs, yes, I’m lame, and totally quoting Zefrank again.) Anyway, this weekend was kind of like that, one day of emotional exhaustion became an entire weekend of emotional exhaustion, and that’s been a really good thing it turns out.

Of course, I’m smug, so I have to point out that I’m now two for two on being right that people view me with the wrong frame of reference, and sadly infer some really bad (and altogether wrong and untrue) conclusions because of it.

In a lot of ways, I’m excited, and its a refreshing feeling since its something I’ve not felt in a long time, and of course I’m also relieved to finally have some catharsis, though I’m still scared, and in some ways still lost (job/career advice anyone?), at least I know that I’m making the right decisions for me at a very deep level, if only I could deal with my everyday issues now.

right all along

Michael — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 06:07:25 +0000

So after a fairly emotional night (26 years of psychological drama can make one emotionally exhausted every now and again) it turns out that, yeah, basically I’ve been right all along (uhm, of course, I know me better than anyone else does), and my friends (and I think probably my family too) do indeed have a totally wrong frame of reference by which they view and understand me.

I guess its not really wrong for them to have an incorrect frame of reference either, because I’ve not really been helping anyone to truly know me. Yet it still causes problems, because turns out I’m also right that people have been inferring some seriously wrong conclusions/issues/worries about me, and its all because they don’t have the right frame of reference with which to view/understand me, and I’m apparently vague enough about everything, that its not something anyone is likely to simply infer.

So, where do I go from here? How can I convince people that I’m honestly ‘ok’ when they won’t really believe it until their frame of reference for me changes?

randomness

Michael — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 06:35:57 +0000

I had a rather wonderful thought earlier, that I almost wish I could be a fly on the wall when people finally realize their frame of reference by which they view me is totally wrong, I’d love to see their raw, un-edited emotions first hand.

I think that some of my friends from lotro actually have the right frame of reference, though I highly doubt anyone in real life does, lets face it, real life is always harder since its not nearly so anonymous.

Oh, and I decided to re-do my wishlist, scale it back, just photo gear for now, though maybe I’ll add fancy journals and fountain pens and whatnot if I really get back into writing, which I kind of feel like I might, though I definitely want to get back into photography too.

hinting much?

Michael — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 05:02:32 +0000

Just thought I’d post a couple of snippets from recent comments and emails from friends & family.

From my cousin today:

And, you’re a good writer — that’s not a compliment, just an observation I always said you’d make a good English major, should life send you back to school someday, and I stand by that!

And from a friend a few weeks back:

I won’t give you any compliments about your self, as I would be wasting my words because you don’t believe a positive word any one says, but you are a good, solid writer. Your words are lyrical, a hard thing to accomplish for most. Keep writing.

wonderful poem

Michael — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 16:34:55 +0000

I’m nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there’s a pair of us –don’t tell!
They’d banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

Emily Dickenson

obscurity

Michael — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 21:38:54 +0000

I’ve been thinking over and over for quite a while now about comments some of my friends have made, specifically about my attitude post-navy experience.

I don’t really know, but I think maybe my friends and family think the navy experience ‘taught’ me that I’m a failure, they want to blame my negative self-image on the navy experience, but that’s not really true. I’ve always thought that I’m a failure, even before joining the navy, and the navy helped me realize why that is, and that I’m not altogether wrong in thinking so poorly of myself.

I also think that maybe my friends and family think I didn’t learn anything positive or helpful from the experience, but that’s also not true, just that it was so unexpected that I haven’t come to terms with it enough yet to share it, and on top of that, it brought to surface a vast multitude of psychological issues that I’ve been doing my best to repress for a long time.

I really wish it were easier to explain, or that I were confident enough to be able to just list all my issues, and how they’ve effected my life, and continue to effect my life everyday, but I’m not, so for now, people just need to know that I learned what I needed to learn from my experience in the Navy, and that I’m hoping I’m strong enough to eventually move forward, even though I know I’ve got a long path ahead of me, and that life will probably get even worse for me before it gets truly better.

I hate being obscure, but for now, its the best I can do.