I think he didn’t go far enough with his theory of affirmation, as he only presents 2 options, either affirmed, or not affirmed (or somewhere in between, but really, its just 0 or 1.)

I think he missed a –1 that belongs on that continuum, which would mean or represent someone being ‘Denied’ to use his own terminology.

I certainly feel that not only am I totally not affirmed, but I’m so far in the negative, that any attempts at affirming me are futile, until I somehow break free of these sources of constant denial.

I think the fact that I’m so emotionally and mentally damaged/paralyzed that I don’t generate positive emotional responses is evidence that there’s a negative affirmation scale, or denial scale.

I guess to expand on that a bit, for anyone who I haven’t shared this with (or hasn’t already figured it out on their own), I don’t generate positive emotional responses/reactions. For example, compliments are literally lost on me, so much so that while I rationally register that somebody is saying something nice about me, I will usually register a negative emotional/mental response. Its even worse when they’re being critical, especially with so-called ‘constructive criticism.’

And I think this behavior, that I’m totally self-denying, is a result of being stuck in the negative end of the affirmation continuum for all of my life. Honestly, from day 1 of my memory, I think the people who had most control over my affirmation/denial did everything they could (probably unknowingly and for what they thought were all the right reasons) to deny me, because they themselves were unaffirmed (if not denied) individuals, couldn’t ever possibly affirm me.

So now I just sit here, paralyzed, with nowhere to go in life as long as I’m under the influence of these sources of continuing denial. I know that I eventually need therapy, but when I always have to return home to a perpetual source of denial, will it even help? I need therapy before I can even be a candidate for regular therapy, wow, that makes me feel good about myself.

Anyway, Carolyn wrote (in part):

I hope nothing I said was too harsh this weekend at Disney. Feeling lost is an awful feel­ing and it’s foolish for any person to suggest people choose to feel depressed; as if any one would willingly choose to feel sad and worthless.

I know you didn’t mean any harm with what you said, but for me, the effect is just more of the same, immediate reinforcement of how utterly worthless I feel I am.

I’m really not joking when I say I’ve got more issues to deal with than most people have begun to imagine/expect I have, but nothing changes for me, even knowing I have these issues, doesn’t empower me in any way.

And maybe thats me being lazy, like Carolyn suggested, or maybe its a hint that I’ve got still another, deeper, debilitating issue I’ve not even discovered yet?

My usual parting phrase of the night is, ’ it was diverting’ but even that’s a lie, last night just was another punch to the stomach.

Silly me, of course my failure at life was my choice. And of course all my emotional and psychological problems are my choices too.

This is just a role I already play perfectly, right, so why would I ever want to change?

Kinda hurts, a lot, to know that even my supposed friends feel that way about me, like I want to be a twenty-six year old failure at everything, living on my aunt’s couch, with absolutely no direction in life.

Because of course, this is the life I’d choose for myself, yeah, just like people “choose” to be hated for being jewish, or muslim, or lgbt, etc.

I guess I feel the need to explain, not like anyone really reads this, but on the off-chance they do, here goes.

I know, rationally, that I can’t compare myself to my siblings, and I also know that I can’t measure myself by the standards of society.

But I also know, that my knowing these things, doesn’t at all change how utterly worthless I feel, all the time.

So again, where do I go?

Hmmmm. It’s a big world to fit into. Try something else. You know we’re behind you. Love, Susan

I really am lucky that I have such an amazing family, but even still, I feel like I’ve either already run out, or any very close to running out of time to do anything meaningful with my life, and by now, I know that I can’t just fall into the pragmatic herd mentality that our society seems to require.

So what else should I try now? Where else should I go? Please, somebody, if you know, help me out, because I’m lost.

Its clear to me that I’ll never grow as a person staying where I am, but at the same time I’m totally incapable of supporting myself, so where does that leave me?

If anyone doesn’t know already, I’ve been (rather foolishly) getting my hopes up to go back to school this fall, though really I’m not sure why since my personal history with higher education (like everything in life) is rather poor, but still, I was hoping it might be different this time.

So I applied to the UC system, yet again, last november, for fall 2010, and was accepted by UCSD and UCR, which is great, because UCSD was pretty much my first choice.

Then of course, I filed my fafsa to apply for financial aid, and for the first time, my EFC (expected family contribution) wasn’t 0, but 675. I’ve no idea what 675 means, because the website says EFC is a scale that schools use to determine aid, and not a direct dollar value.

Well, today I finally received my preliminary award, and UCSD only awarded me $4900 in grants/gift aid, so I’d need to find $23,125 on my own for the first year, and probably more still for the second since CA tuition seems to increase every year.

There’s the punch to the stomach I was waiting for.

I know that I’m awful with money (and any kind of responsibility in general) and I’ll never repay that kind of financial obligation on my own without a ridiculously high-paying job, so money isn’t a worry anymore, and I’d certainly never bet on a philosophy degree to land me the type of job to enable me to do so.

So now I’m lost again.

UCR was better, I’d only need $8-10k in loans for the first year, but I never really wanted to go to UCR in the first place, and still, I’d never be able to pay back $20k in loans, and I have to accept or decline by tomorrow, May 1st.

Really just makes me want to cry, but I guess I should have seen it coming, I’ve known for a while that I don’t really fit in in this world.

As most people know by now, I’ve just been wasting away my last few months trying to ignore how useless I am, by playing lord of the rings online, and yes, I’m still slightly mortified with myself for playing an MMO.

Ironically though, this has turned out to be an amazing distraction, and my brother, sister and several friends think my moods are generally more normal (read, I’m not as depressing a person to be around) because of it.

I’m sure the distraction is a part of my mood change, but as with all aspects of life, there’s more going on than just my playing lotro, and  I just don’t feel that I’m really ready to talk about everything else yet, and certainly not here.

I’m actually thinking of trying to find a therapist now, but I’m not really sure how to find one that will see me for free, and odds are it probably wouldn’t be a good one.

I don’t know, maybe I’m still too afraid of how other people see me?

Ironically, ‘teenage existential dilemma’ was a great way for shorty to describe what I’m going through still, but not in the way he ever thought.

“Summer time and the wind is blowing,
Outside in lower Chelsea,
And I don’t know
What I’m doing in this city,
The sun is always in my eyes,
It crashes through the windows,
And I’m sleeping on the couch,
When I came to visit you,
That’s when I knew,
That I could never have you,
I knew that before you did,
Still I’m the one whose stupid,
And there’s this burning,
Like there’s always been,
I’ve never been so alone,
And I’ve never been so alive,
Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by,
The Cigarette ash flies in your eyes,
And you don’t mind,
And you smile,
And say the world doesn’t fit with you.
I don’t believe you,
You’re so serene,
Careening through the universe,
Your axis on a tilt,
Guiltless and free,
I hope you take a piece of me with you,
And there’s things I’d like to do that, You don’t believe in,
I would like to build something,
but you never see it happen,
And there’s this burning,
Like there’s always been,
I’ve never been so alone,
And I, I’ve never been so alive,
And there’s this burning,
There is this burning,
Where’s the soul, I want to know,
New York City is evil,
The surface is everything,
But I could never do that,
Someone would see through that,
And this is the last time,
We’ll be friends again,
and I’ll get over you and you’ll wonder,
Who I am,
And there’s this burning,
just like there’s always been,
I’ve never been so alone,
And I’ve never been so alive,
I go home to the coast,
It starts to rain,
I paddle out,
On the water,
Alone,
Taste the salt and taste the pain,
I’m not thinking of you again,
Summer dies and swells rise,
The sun goes down in my eyes,
See this rolling wave,
Darkly coming to take me,
Home,
And I never been so alone,
And I’ve never been so alive”

– Third Eye Blind “Motorcycle Drive BY”

Thinking of the past, and fantasizing about what lives my previous acquaintances might now have, it makes me feel lazy, and unimportant.

(both might be true)

Maybe its a last-ditch attempt to try and impress old friends and make old flames jealous (even though they ought not be?)

I’m not sure of anything anymore, except that, regardless of how socially awkward I was and still am, I miss my old friends.

Frankl said it best, life can have meaning in one of 3 ways, and one of those was by experiencing something OR encountering someone.

Maybe meaning can be found by simple encountering friends, even if they have no super-meaning for society as a whole?

Or is this another futile, fruitless attempt at self-affirmation? Another attempt to direct what little ambition I have left at defining myself in spite of what I have failed at, what I may have succeeded at, and what I have still yet to discover about myself?