“Summer time and the wind is blowing,
Outside in lower Chelsea,
And I don’t know
What I’m doing in this city,
The sun is always in my eyes,
It crashes through the windows,
And I’m sleeping on the couch,
When I came to visit you,
That’s when I knew,
That I could never have you,
I knew that before you did,
Still I’m the one whose stupid,
And there’s this burning,
Like there’s always been,
I’ve never been so alone,
And I’ve never been so alive,
Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by,
The Cigarette ash flies in your eyes,
And you don’t mind,
And you smile,
And say the world doesn’t fit with you.
I don’t believe you,
You’re so serene,
Careening through the universe,
Your axis on a tilt,
Guiltless and free,
I hope you take a piece of me with you,
And there’s things I’d like to do that, You don’t believe in,
I would like to build something,
but you never see it happen,
And there’s this burning,
Like there’s always been,
I’ve never been so alone,
And I, I’ve never been so alive,
And there’s this burning,
There is this burning,
Where’s the soul, I want to know,
New York City is evil,
The surface is everything,
But I could never do that,
Someone would see through that,
And this is the last time,
We’ll be friends again,
and I’ll get over you and you’ll wonder,
Who I am,
And there’s this burning,
just like there’s always been,
I’ve never been so alone,
And I’ve never been so alive,
I go home to the coast,
It starts to rain,
I paddle out,
On the water,
Alone,
Taste the salt and taste the pain,
I’m not thinking of you again,
Summer dies and swells rise,
The sun goes down in my eyes,
See this rolling wave,
Darkly coming to take me,
Home,
And I never been so alone,
And I’ve never been so alive”

– Third Eye Blind “Motorcycle Drive BY”

To everyone who’s suggested I seek counseling, since this has come from so many of my family and close friends, clearly most people see me as having a problem, and I understand and accept that. However, I’ve had counseling, fairly recently too, 10 weeks of it, both one-on-one and weekly group Cognitive Behavior Therapy while waiting to be discharged from the navy.

It was exactly the fact that I needed counseling which caused me to get separated from the navy early, and regardless of whether that was right or wrong for me, I do know that the counseling itself was of little benefit. Accordingly, I think for the time being, its not for me, especially since its no longer available to me at no cost, and I’d rather not spend my last dollar (or anyone else’s money) on a few hours of somebody telling me that which I already know, that I’m depressed, and that I should take medication, and go fall in with the rest of the world.

I’m not even saying that a psychologist’s diagnosis or prescription would be wrong, to the contrary, its highly likely that its right, as my psychologist in the navy recommended I see a psychiatrist and go on medication a couple of different times.

Its just not “ME.”

As usual, I’ll resort to somebody else’s intellect to try and adequately summarize my view on life:

“…I’ve never had the propensity to work, breed and die…”

I’m not sure I ever want to fit into day-to-day modern life, and the more I search for a place to escape to (even if only temporarily), the more I realize there is no physical place capable of adequately sustaining life that hasn’t been brought under some form of government/social control.

Everyone alive today was born a prisoner to social-contract civil-society, and I can’t yet reconcile myself with that, and I’m not sure I want to live in a perpetually decaying world that I’ll never be able to truly change.

It might be best to add that I don’t believe in the judeo-christian God, and I likely never will, so any argument you use from a religious stance, to try and tell me that any/every life is worth living, is a waste of time/breath, and I’d rather not get into a debate to try and argue the existence of said God, because I believe that everyone has a right to believe whatever they want about God, and that it alone shouldn’t preclude people from being friends.

I also don’t think anyone on this planet is “special” or any more important than anyone else, for any reason, and in fact, the very fact that we’re all “different” or “unique” or whatever adjective you want to use to describe it, makes us all inherently the same; we all WANT to FEEL special/unique, in the face of the otherwise crippling reality that none of us really are important to the universe, and we are all going to die while the whole of the universe won’t even register that any of us ever lived.

Again, I acknowledge that this is all likely an expression of the truth that its ME that is “defective” in some sense of the word. I’m just not sure if I’d rather be “normal” at the sacrifice of who I truly am, just to go be a part of day-to-day modern society that I don’t care for in the first place.

Honestly, thank you, everyone, for your messages, your friendship, and your offers of support/hospitality/etc, but right now, I just don’t think there’s anything that anyone else can do.

I have decisions I need to make before anything that anybody else offers in support will be able to have any useful effect.

Right now, counseling and medication won’t do anything to help me be the “ME” that I want to be, but instead will only make me the “ME” that the DSM and American Psychiatric Association think I should be.

And I’m not sure that I want to be that version of “ME” yet.

“Son, look at all the people in this restaurant
What do you think they weigh?
Out the window to the parking lot
At their SUV’s, taking all of the space

They give no fuck
They talk as loud as they want
They give no fuck
Just as long as there’s enough, for them

Gonna get on the microphone down at Wal-Mart
Talk about some shit that’s been on my mind
Talk about the state of this great nation of ours
People look to your left, yeah, look to your right

They give no fuck
They buy as much as they want
They give no fuck
Just as long as there’s enough, for them

Son, look at the people lining up for plastic
Wouldn’t you like to see them in the National Geographic
Squatting bare ass in the dirt eating rice from a bowl
With a towel on their head and maybe a bone in their nose

See that asshole with a peace sign on his license plate?
Giving me the finger and running me out of his lane
God made us number one ’cause he loves us the best
Well he should go bless someone else for a while and give us a rest

(They give no)
Yeah, and everyone can see
(They give no)
We’ve eaten all that we can eat”

– Ben Folds, “All That You Can Eat”

Where I used to sit

All alone in the dark

And dream about things

That I cannot say

You always said destiny

Would blow me away

And nothings gonna blow me away

At Cavanaugh Park

Where you used to take me

To play in the sand

And said to me son

One day you’ll be a man

And men can do terrible things

Yes they can

There was never any place

For someone like me

To be totally happy

I’m running out of clock

And that ain’t a shock

Some things never do change

Never do change

At Cavanaugh Park

We used to get high

Watchin teams as they fought

They loved my friend Adam

But he always got caught

Man that kid made fucking up look cool

Aren’t we all so cool now, No

There was never any place

For someone like me

To be totally happy

I’m running out of clock

And that ain’t a shock

Some things never do change

Never do change

Never do change

Never do change

Never do change

At Cavanaugh Park

Where I used to think

That this life would be good

And I would do things

That I thought that I should

And no ones going to tear me down

There was never any place

For someone like me

To be totally happy

I’m running out of clock

And that ain’t a shock

Some things never do change

There was never any place

For someone like me

To be totally happy

I’m running out of clock

And that ain’t a shock

Some things never do change

Never do change

Never do change

Never do change

Never do change”

– “Cavanaugh Park” by Something Corporate

It bothers me more than almost anything [and almost certainly more than it bothers anyone else] when I’m compared to my siblings/relatives, and as such, I tend to compare myself to them increasingly more often, which in turn, creates a very destructive circle, in which I’m always the failure. As such, I end up thinking that people compare me to my siblings (and even my extended relatives) more than they probably do, which re-inforces my feeling of being a failure.

And when forced to be measured by the scales [or in the contexts] that measure them, I am a failure, because those scales and contexts are not the right tools by which to understand me and my life.

My brother and sister succeeded because self-reliance in the context of social-contract was one of the single most important goals for themselves; they both vowed to never end up like our parents, and worked their asses off to do so.

I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to be able to remain close to my family, without feeling like a failure, or without sacrificing myself to medication, which I  know is not the right solution.

So I’m left with the understanding that for now at least, I need to find my own context by which to be understood, that doesn’t involve comparison to my family.

“I’m going away for a while
But I’ll be back, don’t try and follow me
’Cause I’ll return as soon as possible
See I’m trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there’s no one road
We should not be the same
But I’m just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles”

– Paramore, “Misguided Ghosts”

– Paramore, Misguided Ghosts

Edited @ 11:30am, Thursday October 15, 2009, for brevity (and to minimize awkward phone calls and “intervention” attempts from friends/family.)

Here goes, its OK to resent me, I represent and embody the failure of my parents, the disaster that was my childhood, and pretty much every bad decision I’ve ever made.

Why deny that? Why be ashamed of that? Why sugarcoat it?

My siblings and relatives are more intelligent, more talented, and generally more grounded individuals, and were all guaranteed to succeed in the modern world/life in general.

I’m not.

I’m the failure of the family.

Further, I AM a failure because of me, not because of mom or dad, or anyone else.

So please don’t try to cover-up your resentment, don’t hide it in anyway, just accept it, and live with it, because I’m tired of the bullshit.

Granted, its one person’s opinion, but it makes me wonder how many ex-military personnel are in similar positions of authority today in the civilian world, and just how impossible its going to be for me to find work now?

Then I thought about school, and re-applying to UC Riverside (where I had been previously accepted this past January) only to find that all UC campuses are closed to new applications until Fall of 2010.

So I watched movies all day after that, District 9, Transformers 2, and G.I. Joe. Sadly, they were all pretty terrible, and while District 9 had hope early on with some creepy elements and great storytelling convention, it quickly took on a major overtone criticizing the military-industrial complex, which while being a very good message to get out, was simply not what I was expecting.

Its left me today wanting nothing more than to talk to somebody, but at the same time, I can’t talk to anyone, even when my uncle called, I couldn’t answer the phone, and now can’t bring myself to listen to his voicemail, why?

I know my immediate family resents me (just read my about me section on the front page, and its easy to understand why, hell I resent and hate myself), but surely my extended family is supportive, right?

Does it even matter if they are?

Their support still doesn’t change the fact that I’m a failure at everything I attempt.

And to end the day, apparently my request for dismissal from jury duty for Ventura County, Ca. has been denied, even though I’m no longer a resident of VC, and now live 75 miles away, in the far east end of Los Angeles County, Ca.

Makes me remember why lyrics like these speak so passionately to me (Eddie Vedder, “Society” from the into the wild soundtrack):

Oh it’s a mystery to me.

We have a greed, with which we have agreed…

and you think you have to want more than you need…

until you have it all, you won’t be free.

Society, you’re a crazy breed.

I hope you’re not lonely, without me.

When you want more than you have, you think you need…

and when you think more then you want, your thoughts begin to bleed.

I think I need to find a bigger place…

cause when you have more than you think, you need more space.

Society, you’re a crazy breed.

I hope you’re not lonely, without me.

Society, crazy indeed…

I hope you’re not lonely, without me.

There’s those thinkin’ more or less, less is more,

but if less is more, how you keepin’ score?

It means for every point you make, your level drops.

Kinda like you’re startin’ from the top…

and you can’t do that.

Society, you’re a crazy breed.

I hope you’re not lonely, without me.

Society, crazy indeed…

I hope you’re not lonely, without me

Society, have mercy on me.

I hope you’re not angry, if I disagree.

Society, crazy indeed.

I hope you’re not lonely…

without me.