life

continuing the conversation

May 6th

Posted by Michael in life

No comments

My aunt Susan left me a won­der­ful com­ment on my last post,

Hmmmm. It’s a big world to fit into. Try some­thing else. You know we’re behind you. Love, Susan

I really am lucky that I have such an amaz­ing fam­ily, but even still, I feel like I’ve either already run out, or any very close to run­ning out of time to do any­thing mean­ing­ful with my life, and by now, I know that I can’t just fall into the prag­matic herd men­tal­ity that our soci­ety seems to require.

So what else should I try now? Where else should I go? Please, some­body, if you know, help me out, because I’m lost.

Its clear to me that I’ll never grow as a per­son stay­ing where I am, but at the same time I’m totally inca­pable of sup­port­ing myself, so where does that leave me?

the other shoe

Apr 30th

Posted by Michael in life

1 comment

So today reminded me yet again how utterly worth­less I am.

If any­one doesn’t know already, I’ve been (rather fool­ishly) get­ting my hopes up to go back to school this fall, though really I’m not sure why since my per­sonal his­tory with higher edu­ca­tion (like every­thing in life) is rather poor, but still, I was hop­ing it might be dif­fer­ent this time.

So I applied to the UC sys­tem, yet again, last novem­ber, for fall 2010, and was accepted by UCSD and UCR, which is great, because UCSD was pretty much my first choice.

Then of course, I filed my fafsa to apply for finan­cial aid, and for the first time, my EFC (expected fam­ily con­tri­bu­tion) wasn’t 0, but 675. I’ve no idea what 675 means, because the web­site says EFC is a scale that schools use to deter­mine aid, and not a direct dol­lar value.

Well, today I finally received my pre­lim­i­nary award, and UCSD only awarded me $4900 in grants/gift aid, so I’d need to find $23,125 on my own for the first year, and prob­a­bly more still for the sec­ond since CA tuition seems to increase every year.

There’s the punch to the stom­ach I was wait­ing for.

I know that I’m awful with money (and any kind of respon­si­bil­ity in gen­eral) and I’ll never repay that kind of finan­cial oblig­a­tion on my own with­out a ridicu­lously high-paying job, so money isn’t a worry any­more, and I’d cer­tainly never bet on a phi­los­o­phy degree to land me the type of job to enable me to do so.

So now I’m lost again.

UCR was bet­ter, I’d only need $8-10k in loans for the first year, but I never really wanted to go to UCR in the first place, and still, I’d never be able to pay back $20k in loans, and I have to accept or decline by tomor­row, May 1st.

Really just makes me want to cry, but I guess I should have seen it com­ing, I’ve known for a while that I don’t really fit in in this world.

just another day

Apr 16th

Posted by Michael in life

No comments

I’m find­ing it a lot harder to express myself of late. I know this is at least partly because I’ve not been writ­ing as often, but by the same regard, I’ve already come to terms with the fact that I can’t write as often as I’d like any­more, at least not here at this blog.

As most peo­ple know by now, I’ve just been wast­ing away my last few months try­ing to ignore how use­less I am, by play­ing lord of the rings online, and yes, I’m still slightly mor­ti­fied with myself for play­ing an MMO.

Iron­i­cally though, this has turned out to be an amaz­ing dis­trac­tion, and my brother, sis­ter and sev­eral friends think my moods are gen­er­ally more nor­mal (read, I’m not as depress­ing a per­son to be around) because of it.

I’m sure the dis­trac­tion is a part of my mood change, but as with all aspects of life, there’s more going on than just my play­ing lotro, and  I just don’t feel that I’m really ready to talk about every­thing else yet, and cer­tainly not here.

I’m actu­ally think­ing of try­ing to find a ther­a­pist now, but I’m not really sure how to find one that will see me for free, and odds are it prob­a­bly wouldn’t be a good one.

I don’t know, maybe I’m still too afraid of how other peo­ple see me?

Iron­i­cally, ‘teenage exis­ten­tial dilemma’ was a great way for shorty to describe what I’m going through still, but not in the way he ever thought.

Dazed Days

Mar 10th

Posted by Michael in general

1 comment

I feel more and more like I have to edit myself when I write here, so as every­one (any­one?) can see, I’m writ­ing a lot less.

Most days of my life are lost in a daze right now, I spend most of my time try­ing to for­get just how use­less I am, but every so often (like today) its just not possible.

I really wish that com­fort­ing words and ges­tures can truly change the way things are, but they can’t, not for this any­way, and the real­ity is that I’m still a fail­ure, and I’m still the rea­son I’m a fail­ure, and there isn’t any­thing any­one else can do to change that for me.

Wow, that’s depress­ing, but today was a depress­ing day, so what else do I expect?

Noth­ing.

I expect nothing.

Updating, yes I’m still here, sometimes…

Jan 9th

Posted by Michael in general

No comments

So I feel guilty about not updat­ing at all in December.

I hate feel­ing guilty.

In a way its why I hate being in debt (to any­one for any reason.)

I also hate new years res­o­lu­tions, but since I had such a great time over the past few weeks, I made one this year.

Its not the typ­i­cal res­o­lu­tion, I can’t stand peo­ple that think an incre­men­tal change of “1” is going to sud­denly improve their for­tunes in life, love, busi­ness, etc.

Just because the year is now 2010, doesn’t mean you’ll sud­denly get a great pro­mo­tion, or lose 20 pounds, or get engaged/married/pregnant/etc.

The year isn’t the prob­lem, WE are the prob­lem, and we can change when­ever we want.

But yeah, so rant aside, I made a res­o­lu­tion, its a stretch (not really a lie, right?) to say it was entirely a “new years” res­o­lu­tion, because really its been on my mind since the day I was dis­charged from the navy last september.

I can’t even post the real res­o­lu­tion, because its too per­sonal, too raw, too absolutely insane, and I’m way too scared of how peo­ple will react, friends I might lose, and fam­ily that may dis­own me.

Instead I’ll post a use­lessly vague sen­tence that could encom­pass an infi­nite num­ber of issues/problems/etc. and hope that its enough to set my mind at ease for now.

So what’s my hope­lessly vague sentence/resolution?

To finally con­front my deepest/darkest fear/issue/denial, and hope­fully find some solace and help in mak­ing future deci­sions, and reliev­ing these intense feel­ings of guilt and uncer­tainty that plague me every day of my life.

So much for writ­ing a happy blog post.

So yeah, I’m still here, life is fairly nor­mal, there are ups and downs (and of course an infi­nite num­ber of over­lap­ping waves to these cycles) and right now seems to be com­ing off a short up, and hope­fully into a short down.

I really don’t like being on the down/bottom of these curves/waves, but I under­stand that the ups can’t last forever.

Every­thing bal­ances out some­how, right?

, , , , , , ,
«12345»