life
Updating, yes I’m still here, sometimes…
Jan 9th
So I feel guilty about not updating at all in December.
I hate feeling guilty.
In a way its why I hate being in debt (to anyone for any reason.)
I also hate new years resolutions, but since I had such a great time over the past few weeks, I made one this year.
Its not the typical resolution, I can’t stand people that think an incremental change of “1” is going to suddenly improve their fortunes in life, love, business, etc.
Just because the year is now 2010, doesn’t mean you’ll suddenly get a great promotion, or lose 20 pounds, or get engaged/married/pregnant/etc.
The year isn’t the problem, WE are the problem, and we can change whenever we want.
But yeah, so rant aside, I made a resolution, its a stretch (not really a lie, right?) to say it was entirely a “new years” resolution, because really its been on my mind since the day I was discharged from the navy last september.
I can’t even post the real resolution, because its too personal, too raw, too absolutely insane, and I’m way too scared of how people will react, friends I might lose, and family that may disown me.
Instead I’ll post a uselessly vague sentence that could encompass an infinite number of issues/problems/etc. and hope that its enough to set my mind at ease for now.
So what’s my hopelessly vague sentence/resolution?
To finally confront my deepest/darkest fear/issue/denial, and hopefully find some solace and help in making future decisions, and relieving these intense feelings of guilt and uncertainty that plague me every day of my life.
So much for writing a happy blog post.
So yeah, I’m still here, life is fairly normal, there are ups and downs (and of course an infinite number of overlapping waves to these cycles) and right now seems to be coming off a short up, and hopefully into a short down.
I really don’t like being on the down/bottom of these curves/waves, but I understand that the ups can’t last forever.
Everything balances out somehow, right?
the strongest memory association…
Nov 21st
These lyrics, this “poem” has spoken to me for a VERY long time, still speaks to me today, and will likely speak to/for me for the rest of my life. I absolutely LONG for the ability to express myself like this, not for capital gain, but in a way that other people resemble/relate to beyond my years, to immortalize myself, to “transcend the characterological lie about reality” through art… maybe that’s what I resent, that I’m not artistic? Or maybe that I don’t seem to fit anywhere at all?
“Summer time and the wind is blowing,
Outside in lower Chelsea,
And I don’t know
What I’m doing in this city,
The sun is always in my eyes,
It crashes through the windows,
And I’m sleeping on the couch,
When I came to visit you,
That’s when I knew,
That I could never have you,
I knew that before you did,
Still I’m the one whose stupid,
And there’s this burning,
Like there’s always been,
I’ve never been so alone,
And I’ve never been so alive,
Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by,
The Cigarette ash flies in your eyes,
And you don’t mind,
And you smile,
And say the world doesn’t fit with you.
I don’t believe you,
You’re so serene,
Careening through the universe,
Your axis on a tilt,
Guiltless and free,
I hope you take a piece of me with you,
And there’s things I’d like to do that, You don’t believe in,
I would like to build something,
but you never see it happen,
And there’s this burning,
Like there’s always been,
I’ve never been so alone,
And I, I’ve never been so alive,
And there’s this burning,
There is this burning,
Where’s the soul, I want to know,
New York City is evil,
The surface is everything,
But I could never do that,
Someone would see through that,
And this is the last time,
We’ll be friends again,
and I’ll get over you and you’ll wonder,
Who I am,
And there’s this burning,
just like there’s always been,
I’ve never been so alone,
And I’ve never been so alive,
I go home to the coast,
It starts to rain,
I paddle out,
On the water,
Alone,
Taste the salt and taste the pain,
I’m not thinking of you again,
Summer dies and swells rise,
The sun goes down in my eyes,
See this rolling wave,
Darkly coming to take me,
Home,
And I never been so alone,
And I’ve never been so alive”
– Third Eye Blind “Motorcycle Drive BY”
exploration and beginning…
Nov 21st
And I’ve realized tonight that I have more un-resolved issues to reconcile than I previously thought.
Thinking of the past, and fantasizing about what lives my previous acquaintances might now have, it makes me feel lazy, and unimportant.
(both might be true)
Maybe its a last-ditch attempt to try and impress old friends and make old flames jealous (even though they ought not be?)
I’m not sure of anything anymore, except that, regardless of how socially awkward I was and still am, I miss my old friends.
Frankl said it best, life can have meaning in one of 3 ways, and one of those was by experiencing something OR encountering someone.
Maybe meaning can be found by simple encountering friends, even if they have no super-meaning for society as a whole?
Or is this another futile, fruitless attempt at self-affirmation? Another attempt to direct what little ambition I have left at defining myself in spite of what I have failed at, what I may have succeeded at, and what I have still yet to discover about myself?