a 26 year teenage existential dilemma…
general
general category, the grand catch-all, and lets face it, tags are more useful anyway, so why bother with categories?
context
Oct 16th
While I’ll never be able to say it as eloquently or profoundly as I said it tonight in conversation, I need to find the context by which to be understood, that doesn’t involve any level of comparison to my siblings, because we don’t belong on the same scale, we’re not the same type of people.
It bothers me more than almost anything [and almost certainly more than it bothers anyone else] when I’m compared to my siblings/relatives, and as such, I tend to compare myself to them increasingly more often, which in turn, creates a very destructive circle, in which I’m always the failure. As such, I end up thinking that people compare me to my siblings (and even my extended relatives) more than they probably do, which re-inforces my feeling of being a failure.
And when forced to be measured by the scales [or in the contexts] that measure them, I am a failure, because those scales and contexts are not the right tools by which to understand me and my life.
My brother and sister succeeded because self-reliance in the context of social-contract was one of the single most important goals for themselves; they both vowed to never end up like our parents, and worked their asses off to do so.
I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to be able to remain close to my family, without feeling like a failure, or without sacrificing myself to medication, which I know is not the right solution.
So I’m left with the understanding that for now at least, I need to find my own context by which to be understood, that doesn’t involve comparison to my family.
“I’m going away for a while
But I’ll be back, don’t try and follow me
’Cause I’ll return as soon as possible
See I’m trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes
And run
From them, from them
With no direction
We’ll run from them, from them
With no conviction
‘Cause I’m just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don’t need no road
In fact they follow me
And we just go in circles
Well Now I’m told that this is life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it
Would someone care to classify,
A broken heart and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on
And run
To them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not, Useless
We are just
Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there’s no one road
We should not be the same
But I’m just a ghost
And still they echo me
They echo me in circles”
– Paramore, “Misguided Ghosts”
On Resentment
Oct 14th
I’m just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don’t need no roads
In fact they follow me
And we just go in circles
– Paramore, Misguided Ghosts
Edited @ 11:30am, Thursday October 15, 2009, for brevity (and to minimize awkward phone calls and “intervention” attempts from friends/family.)
Here goes, its OK to resent me, I represent and embody the failure of my parents, the disaster that was my childhood, and pretty much every bad decision I’ve ever made.
Why deny that? Why be ashamed of that? Why sugarcoat it?
My siblings and relatives are more intelligent, more talented, and generally more grounded individuals, and were all guaranteed to succeed in the modern world/life in general.
I’m not.
I’m the failure of the family.
Further, I AM a failure because of me, not because of mom or dad, or anyone else.
So please don’t try to cover-up your resentment, don’t hide it in anyway, just accept it, and live with it, because I’m tired of the bullshit.
just another day
Oct 13th
I’ve been having a hard time pinning down exactly why today’s been a bad day.
It was an all around ok day, I found out that I qualify for unemployment (and should start receiving my benefits in a couple weeks) and I do like the rain, though I suppose in a lot of ways I still feel trapped.
I think now that I believe (in part) that highly intelligent people do in fact have a harder time in life, but I still don’t believe myself to be among those few highly intelligent people.
I honestly believe that I’m simply not talented.
I’m reminded (as always) of something said by a truly intelligent person, zefrank, in his episode of “the show” from December 19, 2006:
where did today go wrong?
Oct 3rd
I find myself rather depressed today, maybe the most depressed I’ve been since being in the navy. While searching once again for a mailing address for the U.S. Navy (which is absolutely impossible to find, I’ve still been unable to locate one after 3 weeks of searching online) to list on my unemployment application, I read a post online today, supposedly from a retired senior chief ET (if his screen name is to be believed) basically stating that he was a hiring manager for his company, and he’d not hire anyone who was ex military with anything but an “honorable” categorization of service on their discharge, which puts people like me, who received a “general under honorable conditions” but are listed as “uncategorized” because our term of service was so short, out on in the cold.
Granted, its one person’s opinion, but it makes me wonder how many ex-military personnel are in similar positions of authority today in the civilian world, and just how impossible its going to be for me to find work now?
Then I thought about school, and re-applying to UC Riverside (where I had been previously accepted this past January) only to find that all UC campuses are closed to new applications until Fall of 2010.
So I watched movies all day after that, District 9, Transformers 2, and G.I. Joe. Sadly, they were all pretty terrible, and while District 9 had hope early on with some creepy elements and great storytelling convention, it quickly took on a major overtone criticizing the military-industrial complex, which while being a very good message to get out, was simply not what I was expecting.
Its left me today wanting nothing more than to talk to somebody, but at the same time, I can’t talk to anyone, even when my uncle called, I couldn’t answer the phone, and now can’t bring myself to listen to his voicemail, why?
I know my immediate family resents me (just read my about me section on the front page, and its easy to understand why, hell I resent and hate myself), but surely my extended family is supportive, right?
Does it even matter if they are?
Their support still doesn’t change the fact that I’m a failure at everything I attempt.
And to end the day, apparently my request for dismissal from jury duty for Ventura County, Ca. has been denied, even though I’m no longer a resident of VC, and now live 75 miles away, in the far east end of Los Angeles County, Ca.
Makes me remember why lyrics like these speak so passionately to me (Eddie Vedder, “Society” from the into the wild soundtrack):
Oh it’s a mystery to me.
We have a greed, with which we have agreed…
and you think you have to want more than you need…
until you have it all, you won’t be free.
Society, you’re a crazy breed.
I hope you’re not lonely, without me.
When you want more than you have, you think you need…
and when you think more then you want, your thoughts begin to bleed.
I think I need to find a bigger place…
cause when you have more than you think, you need more space.
Society, you’re a crazy breed.
I hope you’re not lonely, without me.
Society, crazy indeed…
I hope you’re not lonely, without me.
There’s those thinkin’ more or less, less is more,
but if less is more, how you keepin’ score?
It means for every point you make, your level drops.
Kinda like you’re startin’ from the top…
and you can’t do that.
Society, you’re a crazy breed.
I hope you’re not lonely, without me.
Society, crazy indeed…
I hope you’re not lonely, without me
Society, have mercy on me.
I hope you’re not angry, if I disagree.
Society, crazy indeed.
I hope you’re not lonely…
without me.
