general

general category, the grand catch-all, and lets face it, tags are more useful anyway, so why bother with categories?

randomness

Jun 23rd

Posted by Michael in general

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I had a rather won­der­ful thought ear­lier, that I almost wish I could be a fly on the wall when peo­ple finally real­ize their frame of ref­er­ence by which they view me is totally wrong, I’d love to see their raw, un-edited emo­tions first hand.

I think that some of my friends from lotro actu­ally have the right frame of ref­er­ence, though I highly doubt any­one in real life does, lets face it, real life is always harder since its not nearly so anonymous.

Oh, and I decided to re-do my wish­list, scale it back, just photo gear for now, though maybe I’ll add fancy jour­nals and foun­tain pens and what­not if I really get back into writ­ing, which I kind of feel like I might, though I def­i­nitely want to get back into pho­tog­ra­phy too.

hinting much?

Jun 23rd

Posted by Michael in general

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Just thought I’d post a cou­ple of snip­pets from recent com­ments and emails from friends & family.

From my cousin today:

And, you’re a good writer — that’s not a com­pli­ment, just an obser­va­tion :) I always said you’d make a good Eng­lish major, should life send you back to school some­day, and I stand by that!

And from a friend a few weeks back:

I won’t give you any com­pli­ments about your self, as I would be wast­ing my words because you don’t believe a pos­i­tive word any one says, but you are a good, solid writer. Your words are lyri­cal, a hard thing to accom­plish for most. Keep writing.

wonderful poem

Jun 21st

Posted by Michael in general

1 comment

I’m nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there’s a pair of us –don’t tell!
They’d ban­ish us, you know.

How dreary to be some­body!
How pub­lic, like a frog
To tell your name the live­long day
To an admir­ing bog!

Emily Dick­en­son

,

Dazed Days

Mar 10th

Posted by Michael in general

1 comment

I feel more and more like I have to edit myself when I write here, so as every­one (any­one?) can see, I’m writ­ing a lot less.

Most days of my life are lost in a daze right now, I spend most of my time try­ing to for­get just how use­less I am, but every so often (like today) its just not possible.

I really wish that com­fort­ing words and ges­tures can truly change the way things are, but they can’t, not for this any­way, and the real­ity is that I’m still a fail­ure, and I’m still the rea­son I’m a fail­ure, and there isn’t any­thing any­one else can do to change that for me.

Wow, that’s depress­ing, but today was a depress­ing day, so what else do I expect?

Noth­ing.

I expect nothing.

Updating, yes I’m still here, sometimes…

Jan 9th

Posted by Michael in general

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So I feel guilty about not updat­ing at all in December.

I hate feel­ing guilty.

In a way its why I hate being in debt (to any­one for any reason.)

I also hate new years res­o­lu­tions, but since I had such a great time over the past few weeks, I made one this year.

Its not the typ­i­cal res­o­lu­tion, I can’t stand peo­ple that think an incre­men­tal change of “1” is going to sud­denly improve their for­tunes in life, love, busi­ness, etc.

Just because the year is now 2010, doesn’t mean you’ll sud­denly get a great pro­mo­tion, or lose 20 pounds, or get engaged/married/pregnant/etc.

The year isn’t the prob­lem, WE are the prob­lem, and we can change when­ever we want.

But yeah, so rant aside, I made a res­o­lu­tion, its a stretch (not really a lie, right?) to say it was entirely a “new years” res­o­lu­tion, because really its been on my mind since the day I was dis­charged from the navy last september.

I can’t even post the real res­o­lu­tion, because its too per­sonal, too raw, too absolutely insane, and I’m way too scared of how peo­ple will react, friends I might lose, and fam­ily that may dis­own me.

Instead I’ll post a use­lessly vague sen­tence that could encom­pass an infi­nite num­ber of issues/problems/etc. and hope that its enough to set my mind at ease for now.

So what’s my hope­lessly vague sentence/resolution?

To finally con­front my deepest/darkest fear/issue/denial, and hope­fully find some solace and help in mak­ing future deci­sions, and reliev­ing these intense feel­ings of guilt and uncer­tainty that plague me every day of my life.

So much for writ­ing a happy blog post.

So yeah, I’m still here, life is fairly nor­mal, there are ups and downs (and of course an infi­nite num­ber of over­lap­ping waves to these cycles) and right now seems to be com­ing off a short up, and hope­fully into a short down.

I really don’t like being on the down/bottom of these curves/waves, but I under­stand that the ups can’t last forever.

Every­thing bal­ances out some­how, right?

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