a 26 year teenage existential dilemma…
general
general category, the grand catch-all, and lets face it, tags are more useful anyway, so why bother with categories?
Dazed Days
Mar 10th
I feel more and more like I have to edit myself when I write here, so as everyone (anyone?) can see, I’m writing a lot less.
Most days of my life are lost in a daze right now, I spend most of my time trying to forget just how useless I am, but every so often (like today) its just not possible.
I really wish that comforting words and gestures can truly change the way things are, but they can’t, not for this anyway, and the reality is that I’m still a failure, and I’m still the reason I’m a failure, and there isn’t anything anyone else can do to change that for me.
Wow, that’s depressing, but today was a depressing day, so what else do I expect?
Nothing.
I expect nothing.
Updating, yes I’m still here, sometimes…
Jan 9th
So I feel guilty about not updating at all in December.
I hate feeling guilty.
In a way its why I hate being in debt (to anyone for any reason.)
I also hate new years resolutions, but since I had such a great time over the past few weeks, I made one this year.
Its not the typical resolution, I can’t stand people that think an incremental change of “1” is going to suddenly improve their fortunes in life, love, business, etc.
Just because the year is now 2010, doesn’t mean you’ll suddenly get a great promotion, or lose 20 pounds, or get engaged/married/pregnant/etc.
The year isn’t the problem, WE are the problem, and we can change whenever we want.
But yeah, so rant aside, I made a resolution, its a stretch (not really a lie, right?) to say it was entirely a “new years” resolution, because really its been on my mind since the day I was discharged from the navy last september.
I can’t even post the real resolution, because its too personal, too raw, too absolutely insane, and I’m way too scared of how people will react, friends I might lose, and family that may disown me.
Instead I’ll post a uselessly vague sentence that could encompass an infinite number of issues/problems/etc. and hope that its enough to set my mind at ease for now.
So what’s my hopelessly vague sentence/resolution?
To finally confront my deepest/darkest fear/issue/denial, and hopefully find some solace and help in making future decisions, and relieving these intense feelings of guilt and uncertainty that plague me every day of my life.
So much for writing a happy blog post.
So yeah, I’m still here, life is fairly normal, there are ups and downs (and of course an infinite number of overlapping waves to these cycles) and right now seems to be coming off a short up, and hopefully into a short down.
I really don’t like being on the down/bottom of these curves/waves, but I understand that the ups can’t last forever.
Everything balances out somehow, right?
exploration and beginning…
Nov 21st
And I’ve realized tonight that I have more un-resolved issues to reconcile than I previously thought.
Thinking of the past, and fantasizing about what lives my previous acquaintances might now have, it makes me feel lazy, and unimportant.
(both might be true)
Maybe its a last-ditch attempt to try and impress old friends and make old flames jealous (even though they ought not be?)
I’m not sure of anything anymore, except that, regardless of how socially awkward I was and still am, I miss my old friends.
Frankl said it best, life can have meaning in one of 3 ways, and one of those was by experiencing something OR encountering someone.
Maybe meaning can be found by simple encountering friends, even if they have no super-meaning for society as a whole?
Or is this another futile, fruitless attempt at self-affirmation? Another attempt to direct what little ambition I have left at defining myself in spite of what I have failed at, what I may have succeeded at, and what I have still yet to discover about myself?
Meaning
Nov 20th
After the initial euphoric high accompanying my first reading of Baar’s “Born Only Once: The Miracle of Affirmation” inevitably the positivity started to subside as the day-to-day meaninglessness of life began to wear on me again.
At this point, I turned to the second book that accompanied Baar upon delivery at my house, “Man’s Search For Meaning” by Viktor E. Frankl.
As best I can tell, both Baar and Frankl agree that “meaninglessness” in life is a direct result of people being inadequately affirmed, and that believing that life is meaningless (as existentialism would have us do) is self-defeating; instead of empowering people, it makes them feel less and less meaningful.
I was definitely surprised by how this seemed to resonate with “Zefrank” and his views/ideas as said in his episode of the show “baseline” (you can watch it here: http://www.zefrank.com/theshow/archives/2006/12/121906.html) In that certain emotions can feed on themselves, but I think it goes a step farther too, at least Frankl does.
To Quote Frankl, “I consider it a dangerous misconception of mental hygiene to assume that what man needs in the first place is equilibrium or, as it is called in biology “homeostasis,” i.e., a tensionless state. What man actually needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for a worthwhile goal, a freely chosen task. What he needs is not the discharge of tension at any cost but the call of a potential meaning waiting to be fulfilled by him.”
Frankl then continues by coining the term “existential vacuum” to mean, “the total sense of internal emptiness/meaninglessness of life that so many people today feel.”
“The existential vacuum which is the mass neurosis of the present time can be described as a private and personal form of nihilism; for nihilism can be defined as the contention that being has no meaning.”
So how then does one overcome the existential vacuum? Frankl would have us believe that its through “logotherapy” his beloved method of psychotherapy that stresses that:
“The meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person’s life at a given moment.”
If this were the end of his ideology, I’d have some strong points of contention here regarding the dangers of asserting that meaning is relative, as it allows for all kinds of atrocities to be justified as long as they’re “meaningful” the sociopaths who commit them.
But Frankl you’re smarter than that, so you continue, by stating that responsibleness is the very essence of human existence, and as such, “…the true meaning of life is to be discovered in the world rather than within man or his psyche, as though it were a closed system. I have termed this constitutive characteristic “the self-transcendence of human existence. It denotes the fact that being human always points, and is directed, to something, or someone, other than oneself– be it a meaning to fulfill or another human being to encounter. The more one forgets himself–by giving himself to a cause to serve or another person to love–the more human he is and the more he actualizes himself. What is called self-actualization is not an attainable aim at all, for the simple reason that the more one would strive for it, the more he would miss it. In other words, self-actualization is possibly only as a side-effect of self-transcendence.”
Wow, talk about a big block of text to get your head around. So Frankl, you’re saying what Baar is saying in regards to the futility of self-affirmation, that it has to be given to you by someone or something else external to you, ok, got it.
What interests me more than almost anything, is that both Frankl and Baar devote most of their writing to affirmation/actualization by another person, and yet neither of them deny that it can be found in the non-human world, the world of nature. In fact, Frankl seems to think nature is one of three key ways to give life meaning! “…we can discover this meaning in life in three different ways: (1) by creating a work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering someone; and (3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering.”
This throws me back to a key point he mentioned only a few short paragraphs earlier, “It is, therefore, up to the patient to decide whether he should interpret his life task as being responsible to society or to his own conscience.”
I’m not entirely sure what to make of everything. I am amazed by the eloquence with which both authors talk about the “existential vacuum” (which I believe Baar would accept as Frankl’s equivalent of his emotional deprivation disorder) and wholeheartedly agree that finding meaning in one’s life is the single key to inevitably experiencing happiness, for as Frankl writes, “But happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue. One must have a reason to “be happy.” Once the reason is found, however, one becomes happy automatically.”
I also tend to agree that there are multiple ways to find the “meaning” to your life, which will likely be ones reason to be happy. The question, that I ask myself over and over, is which way is going to help me find the meaning of my life? And that’s where I feel let-down by Baar and Frankl, they both speak so passionately about the need to be loved/affirmed for the sake of yourself (and not for external reasons) and the need to find meaning in your life, but neither of them offer any kind of solution as to how to go about finding meaning! Baar at least gives some pointers to make oneself more open to affirmation, but Frankl just gives a list of case-studies that showed his psychotherapy to “work” but it feels too forced to me, as though he had to hunt for scenarios that translated decently to his writing. I don’t mean to discredit Frankl, or Logotherapy, but rather to express my frustration that he totally hit the nail on the head, which is frustrating to be so drawn to something, and not have a clear answer at the end, e.g.
“Yes, I feel like life is meaningless, no I don’t want to feel this way, so I need to find the meaning to my life, but HOW do I even begin to start this journey?!”
And after all this quoting and writing, we reach my final point (this post was all started by a facebook comment today that I should just go finish a degree, and get a job, and fall in line) and while its not of the same nature as the works of Frankl and Baar, I feel its relevant to help express my frustration with lack of direction. And I thank one of my amazing photography professors at Moorpark College for this very powerful quote that he had on his office door, as it still speaks to me today, and likely always will:
“At its best, schooling can be about how to make a life, which is quite different from how to make a living. Such an enterprise is not easy to pursue, since our politicians rarely speak of it, our technology is indifferent to it, and our commerce despises it.” — Neil Postman
P.S. Paradigm shift
Nov 10th
An addendum to my writing on the topic of “affirmation.”
To pre-empt any confusion (though I believe cousin Catherine understands precisely what I wrote about) I’m talking about affirmation as written about by Conrad M. Baars, M.D. in his book, “Born Only Once: The Mirracle of Affirmation” which I absolutely devoured tonight, in one sitting over coffee.
The section on Self-Affirmation was enlightening, not merely as a means of learning that I alone cannot affirm myself, but as a means to build a deeper understanding of my closest friendships as well.
It also saddens me to realize that the state of being inadequately affirmed is so prevalent, especially among my generation.
I won’t apologize for my sadness, but instead, will try and ponder everything that I’ve read tonight, to see how I can truly, effectively come to “be” and then as a result “do” whatever is best to help be an affirming person, once I myself am properly affirmed, however long that may take.
Likewise, I’m not going to apologize for being angered by the occasional actions of my friends, but I do hope that I can learn to help my friendships be mutually-affirming instead of mutually-denying, and at the same time, I hope that those friends of mine who are themselves inadequately affirmed, just like I am, will examine their own attempts at self-affirmation, and realize that there is so much more out there for them, just as there will be for me, once we come to be fully affirmed.