michaelmallon.net
a 26 year teenage existential dilemma…
On Resentment
Oct 14th
I’m just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don’t need no roads
In fact they follow me
And we just go in circles
– Paramore, Misguided Ghosts
Edited @ 11:30am, Thursday October 15, 2009, for brevity (and to minimize awkward phone calls and “intervention” attempts from friends/family.)
Here goes, its OK to resent me, I represent and embody the failure of my parents, the disaster that was my childhood, and pretty much every bad decision I’ve ever made.
Why deny that? Why be ashamed of that? Why sugarcoat it?
My siblings and relatives are more intelligent, more talented, and generally more grounded individuals, and were all guaranteed to succeed in the modern world/life in general.
I’m not.
I’m the failure of the family.
Further, I AM a failure because of me, not because of mom or dad, or anyone else.
So please don’t try to cover-up your resentment, don’t hide it in anyway, just accept it, and live with it, because I’m tired of the bullshit.
just another day
Oct 13th
I’ve been having a hard time pinning down exactly why today’s been a bad day.
It was an all around ok day, I found out that I qualify for unemployment (and should start receiving my benefits in a couple weeks) and I do like the rain, though I suppose in a lot of ways I still feel trapped.
I think now that I believe (in part) that highly intelligent people do in fact have a harder time in life, but I still don’t believe myself to be among those few highly intelligent people.
I honestly believe that I’m simply not talented.
I’m reminded (as always) of something said by a truly intelligent person, zefrank, in his episode of “the show” from December 19, 2006:
where did today go wrong?
Oct 3rd
I find myself rather depressed today, maybe the most depressed I’ve been since being in the navy. While searching once again for a mailing address for the U.S. Navy (which is absolutely impossible to find, I’ve still been unable to locate one after 3 weeks of searching online) to list on my unemployment application, I read a post online today, supposedly from a retired senior chief ET (if his screen name is to be believed) basically stating that he was a hiring manager for his company, and he’d not hire anyone who was ex military with anything but an “honorable” categorization of service on their discharge, which puts people like me, who received a “general under honorable conditions” but are listed as “uncategorized” because our term of service was so short, out on in the cold.
Granted, its one person’s opinion, but it makes me wonder how many ex-military personnel are in similar positions of authority today in the civilian world, and just how impossible its going to be for me to find work now?
Then I thought about school, and re-applying to UC Riverside (where I had been previously accepted this past January) only to find that all UC campuses are closed to new applications until Fall of 2010.
So I watched movies all day after that, District 9, Transformers 2, and G.I. Joe. Sadly, they were all pretty terrible, and while District 9 had hope early on with some creepy elements and great storytelling convention, it quickly took on a major overtone criticizing the military-industrial complex, which while being a very good message to get out, was simply not what I was expecting.
Its left me today wanting nothing more than to talk to somebody, but at the same time, I can’t talk to anyone, even when my uncle called, I couldn’t answer the phone, and now can’t bring myself to listen to his voicemail, why?
I know my immediate family resents me (just read my about me section on the front page, and its easy to understand why, hell I resent and hate myself), but surely my extended family is supportive, right?
Does it even matter if they are?
Their support still doesn’t change the fact that I’m a failure at everything I attempt.
And to end the day, apparently my request for dismissal from jury duty for Ventura County, Ca. has been denied, even though I’m no longer a resident of VC, and now live 75 miles away, in the far east end of Los Angeles County, Ca.
Makes me remember why lyrics like these speak so passionately to me (Eddie Vedder, “Society” from the into the wild soundtrack):
Oh it’s a mystery to me.
We have a greed, with which we have agreed…
and you think you have to want more than you need…
until you have it all, you won’t be free.
Society, you’re a crazy breed.
I hope you’re not lonely, without me.
When you want more than you have, you think you need…
and when you think more then you want, your thoughts begin to bleed.
I think I need to find a bigger place…
cause when you have more than you think, you need more space.
Society, you’re a crazy breed.
I hope you’re not lonely, without me.
Society, crazy indeed…
I hope you’re not lonely, without me.
There’s those thinkin’ more or less, less is more,
but if less is more, how you keepin’ score?
It means for every point you make, your level drops.
Kinda like you’re startin’ from the top…
and you can’t do that.
Society, you’re a crazy breed.
I hope you’re not lonely, without me.
Society, crazy indeed…
I hope you’re not lonely, without me
Society, have mercy on me.
I hope you’re not angry, if I disagree.
Society, crazy indeed.
I hope you’re not lonely…
without me.
floundering
Oct 1st
According to the “New Oxford American Dictionary” which is included with mac OSX, flounder is defined as:
flounder 1 |ˈfloundər|verb [ intrans. ]struggle or stagger helplessly or clumsily in water or mud : he wasfloundering about in the shallow offshore waters.• figurative struggle mentally; show or feel great confusion : she floundered, not knowing quite what to say.• figurative be in serious difficulty : many firms are floundering.
I suppose that’s an adequate definition for my life. I like to start things, and not finish them. I generally have no idea what I want to do with my life, and I have no remarkable talents nor aptitude for anything in particular.
I grew up poor, and somehow have a fondness of expensive goods/clothes/cars/etc., which I can never really afford, so then whenever I have the opportunity to buy something nice, I wind up broke again.
I’ve spent the entirety of my adult life struggling to find my professional identity, to determine what it is that I’m supposed to do with my life, who I’m supposed to work for, what my job speciality ought to be, and at 26 years old, I’ve thus far concluded that I don’t know anything about what I want to do with my life, nor what career/profession I should pursue.
Perhaps the only thing that I do know, is that the Navy is not right for me, but really, what good does that do me?
The psychologist that evaluated my fitness for duty in the U.S. Navy told me that often, highly intelligent people have a hard time finding their path in life, and while I’ve never considered myself intelligent, if this is true, why would anyone want to be intelligent?
