right all along

Jun 26th

Posted by Michael in life

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So after a fairly emo­tional night (26 years of psy­cho­log­i­cal drama can make one emo­tion­ally exhausted every now and again) it turns out that, yeah, basi­cally I’ve been right all along (uhm, of course, I know me bet­ter than any­one else does), and my friends (and I think prob­a­bly my fam­ily too) do indeed have a totally wrong frame of ref­er­ence by which they view and under­stand me.

I guess its not really wrong for them to have an incor­rect frame of ref­er­ence either, because I’ve not really been help­ing any­one to truly know me. Yet it still causes prob­lems, because turns out I’m also right that peo­ple have been infer­ring some seri­ously wrong conclusions/issues/worries about me, and its all because they don’t have the right frame of ref­er­ence with which to view/understand me, and I’m appar­ently vague enough about every­thing, that its not some­thing any­one is likely to sim­ply infer.

So, where do I go from here? How can I con­vince peo­ple that I’m hon­estly ‘ok’ when they won’t really believe it until their frame of ref­er­ence for me changes?

randomness

Jun 23rd

Posted by Michael in general

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I had a rather won­der­ful thought ear­lier, that I almost wish I could be a fly on the wall when peo­ple finally real­ize their frame of ref­er­ence by which they view me is totally wrong, I’d love to see their raw, un-edited emo­tions first hand.

I think that some of my friends from lotro actu­ally have the right frame of ref­er­ence, though I highly doubt any­one in real life does, lets face it, real life is always harder since its not nearly so anonymous.

Oh, and I decided to re-do my wish­list, scale it back, just photo gear for now, though maybe I’ll add fancy jour­nals and foun­tain pens and what­not if I really get back into writ­ing, which I kind of feel like I might, though I def­i­nitely want to get back into pho­tog­ra­phy too.

hinting much?

Jun 23rd

Posted by Michael in general

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Just thought I’d post a cou­ple of snip­pets from recent com­ments and emails from friends & family.

From my cousin today:

And, you’re a good writer — that’s not a com­pli­ment, just an obser­va­tion :) I always said you’d make a good Eng­lish major, should life send you back to school some­day, and I stand by that!

And from a friend a few weeks back:

I won’t give you any com­pli­ments about your self, as I would be wast­ing my words because you don’t believe a pos­i­tive word any one says, but you are a good, solid writer. Your words are lyri­cal, a hard thing to accom­plish for most. Keep writing.

wonderful poem

Jun 21st

Posted by Michael in general

1 comment

I’m nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there’s a pair of us –don’t tell!
They’d ban­ish us, you know.

How dreary to be some­body!
How pub­lic, like a frog
To tell your name the live­long day
To an admir­ing bog!

Emily Dick­en­son

,

obscurity

Jun 20th

Posted by Michael in life

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I’ve been think­ing over and over for quite a while now about com­ments some of my friends have made, specif­i­cally about my atti­tude post-navy experience.

I don’t really know, but I think maybe my friends and fam­ily think the navy expe­ri­ence ‘taught’ me that I’m a fail­ure, they want to blame my neg­a­tive self-image on the navy expe­ri­ence, but that’s not really true. I’ve always thought that I’m a fail­ure, even before join­ing the navy, and the navy helped me real­ize why that is, and that I’m not alto­gether wrong in think­ing so poorly of myself.

I also think that maybe my friends and fam­ily think I didn’t learn any­thing pos­i­tive or help­ful from the expe­ri­ence, but that’s also not true, just that it was so unex­pected that I haven’t come to terms with it enough yet to share it, and on top of that, it brought to sur­face a vast mul­ti­tude of psy­cho­log­i­cal issues that I’ve been doing my best to repress for a long time.

I really wish it were eas­ier to explain, or that I were con­fi­dent enough to be able to just list all my issues, and how they’ve effected my life, and con­tinue to effect my life every­day, but I’m not, so for now, peo­ple just need to know that I learned what I needed to learn from my expe­ri­ence in the Navy, and that I’m hop­ing I’m strong enough to even­tu­ally move for­ward, even though I know I’ve got a long path ahead of me, and that life will prob­a­bly get even worse for me before it gets truly better.

I hate being obscure, but for now, its the best I can do.

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