Michael

So my friends decided that last night would be a fun time to force me into being social with them in real life.

My usual part­ing phrase of the night is, ’ it was divert­ing’ but even that’s a lie, last night just was another punch to the stomach.

Silly me, of course my fail­ure at life was my choice. And of course all my emo­tional and psy­cho­log­i­cal prob­lems are my choices too.

This is just a role I already play per­fectly, right, so why would I ever want to change?

Kinda hurts, a lot, to know that even my sup­posed friends feel that way about me, like I want to be a twenty-six year old fail­ure at every­thing, liv­ing on my aunt’s couch, with absolutely no direc­tion in life.

Because of course, this is the life I’d choose for myself, yeah, just like peo­ple “choose” to be hated for being jew­ish, or mus­lim, or lgbt, etc.

My aunt Susan left me a won­der­ful com­ment on my last post,

Hmmmm. It’s a big world to fit into. Try some­thing else. You know we’re behind you. Love, Susan

I really am lucky that I have such an amaz­ing fam­ily, but even still, I feel like I’ve either already run out, or any very close to run­ning out of time to do any­thing mean­ing­ful with my life, and by now, I know that I can’t just fall into the prag­matic herd men­tal­ity that our soci­ety seems to require.

So what else should I try now? Where else should I go? Please, some­body, if you know, help me out, because I’m lost.

Its clear to me that I’ll never grow as a per­son stay­ing where I am, but at the same time I’m totally inca­pable of sup­port­ing myself, so where does that leave me?

I’m find­ing it a lot harder to express myself of late. I know this is at least partly because I’ve not been writ­ing as often, but by the same regard, I’ve already come to terms with the fact that I can’t write as often as I’d like any­more, at least not here at this blog.

As most peo­ple know by now, I’ve just been wast­ing away my last few months try­ing to ignore how use­less I am, by play­ing lord of the rings online, and yes, I’m still slightly mor­ti­fied with myself for play­ing an MMO.

Iron­i­cally though, this has turned out to be an amaz­ing dis­trac­tion, and my brother, sis­ter and sev­eral friends think my moods are gen­er­ally more nor­mal (read, I’m not as depress­ing a per­son to be around) because of it.

I’m sure the dis­trac­tion is a part of my mood change, but as with all aspects of life, there’s more going on than just my play­ing lotro, and  I just don’t feel that I’m really ready to talk about every­thing else yet, and cer­tainly not here.

I’m actu­ally think­ing of try­ing to find a ther­a­pist now, but I’m not really sure how to find one that will see me for free, and odds are it prob­a­bly wouldn’t be a good one.

I don’t know, maybe I’m still too afraid of how other peo­ple see me?

Iron­i­cally, ‘teenage exis­ten­tial dilemma’ was a great way for shorty to describe what I’m going through still, but not in the way he ever thought.