a 26 year teenage existential dilemma…
Archive for June, 2010
reconnecting
Jun 29th
So I’ve been blogging a lot lately (as if people can’t tell merely from reading) and its made me realize that while I’m intentionally vague and obscure online, that I need a place to be open and honest, and for me, thats turned out to be writing in a physical journal, by hand again.
And while this will only really mean anything to maybe two people, I bought a cheap(ish) fountain pen, and new journal as a kind of blank slate/new beginning and also to be a reminder for myself to actually write, be open and honest with myself, and keep moving forward, and its working already.
Anyway, in my search for this blank slate, I’ve been finding all sorts of pens, inks, and journals that seem to have sparked a new interest in me, and I’ve added a couple items to my wishlist, but really want a few “Canteo” A5 sized ruled notebooks, but alas, they’ve yet to find a U.S. distributer, and the only North American supplier I can find is Nota-Bene in Canada, and with international shipping an A5 sized ruled Canteo ends up costing almost $40 usd, and is thus out of my price-range.
Shameless plea over =)
one step forward
Jun 27th
So, I’m sure most people know that emotions can feed on each other; its easy to get depressed about being depressed, or become anxious about being anxious (for anyone familiar with me and my past blogs, yes, I’m lame, and totally quoting Zefrank again.) Anyway, this weekend was kind of like that, one day of emotional exhaustion became an entire weekend of emotional exhaustion, and that’s been a really good thing it turns out.
Of course, I’m smug, so I have to point out that I’m now two for two on being right that people view me with the wrong frame of reference, and sadly infer some really bad (and altogether wrong and untrue) conclusions because of it.
In a lot of ways, I’m excited, and its a refreshing feeling since its something I’ve not felt in a long time, and of course I’m also relieved to finally have some catharsis, though I’m still scared, and in some ways still lost (job/career advice anyone?), at least I know that I’m making the right decisions for me at a very deep level, if only I could deal with my everyday issues now.
right all along
Jun 26th
So after a fairly emotional night (26 years of psychological drama can make one emotionally exhausted every now and again) it turns out that, yeah, basically I’ve been right all along (uhm, of course, I know me better than anyone else does), and my friends (and I think probably my family too) do indeed have a totally wrong frame of reference by which they view and understand me.
I guess its not really wrong for them to have an incorrect frame of reference either, because I’ve not really been helping anyone to truly know me. Yet it still causes problems, because turns out I’m also right that people have been inferring some seriously wrong conclusions/issues/worries about me, and its all because they don’t have the right frame of reference with which to view/understand me, and I’m apparently vague enough about everything, that its not something anyone is likely to simply infer.
So, where do I go from here? How can I convince people that I’m honestly ‘ok’ when they won’t really believe it until their frame of reference for me changes?
randomness
Jun 23rd
I had a rather wonderful thought earlier, that I almost wish I could be a fly on the wall when people finally realize their frame of reference by which they view me is totally wrong, I’d love to see their raw, un-edited emotions first hand.
I think that some of my friends from lotro actually have the right frame of reference, though I highly doubt anyone in real life does, lets face it, real life is always harder since its not nearly so anonymous.
Oh, and I decided to re-do my wishlist, scale it back, just photo gear for now, though maybe I’ll add fancy journals and fountain pens and whatnot if I really get back into writing, which I kind of feel like I might, though I definitely want to get back into photography too.
