While I’ll never be able to say it as elo­quently or pro­foundly as I said it tonight in con­ver­sa­tion, I need to find the con­text by which to be under­stood, that doesn’t involve any level of com­par­i­son to my sib­lings, because we don’t belong on the same scale, we’re not the same type of people.

It both­ers me more than almost any­thing [and almost cer­tainly more than it both­ers any­one else] when I’m com­pared to my siblings/relatives, and as such, I tend to com­pare myself to them increas­ingly more often, which in turn, cre­ates a very destruc­tive cir­cle, in which I’m always the fail­ure. As such, I end up think­ing that peo­ple com­pare me to my sib­lings (and even my extended rel­a­tives) more than they prob­a­bly do, which re-inforces my feel­ing of being a failure.

And when forced to be mea­sured by the scales [or in the con­texts] that mea­sure them, I am a fail­ure, because those scales and con­texts are not the right tools by which to under­stand me and my life.

My brother and sis­ter suc­ceeded because self-reliance in the con­text of social-contract was one of the sin­gle most impor­tant goals for them­selves; they both vowed to never end up like our par­ents, and worked their asses off to do so.

I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to be able to remain close to my fam­ily, with­out feel­ing like a fail­ure, or with­out sac­ri­fic­ing myself to med­ica­tion, which I  know is not the right solution.

So I’m left with the under­stand­ing that for now at least, I need to find my own con­text by which to be under­stood, that doesn’t involve com­par­i­son to my family.

“I’m going away for a while
But I’ll be back, don’t try and fol­low me
’Cause I’ll return as soon as pos­si­ble
See I’m try­ing to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

And run
From them, from them
With no direc­tion
We’ll run from them, from them
With no conviction

‘Cause I’m just one of those ghosts
Trav­el­ing end­lessly
Don’t need no road
In fact they fol­low me

And we just go in circles

Well Now I’m told that this is life
And pain is just a sim­ple com­pro­mise
So we can get what we want out of it
Would some­one care to clas­sify,
A bro­ken heart and twisted minds
So I can find some­one to rely on

And run
To them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not, Use­less
We are just

Mis­guided ghosts
Trav­el­ing end­lessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there’s no one road
We should not be the same
But I’m just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles”

– Paramore, “Mis­guided Ghosts”