Archive for October, 2009
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s coded F-bomb in veto
Oct 28th
Even if its not intentional, its at least truly a great coincidence.
(image links to the source I read this at, Boing-Boing, a fantastic blog)
memory association
Oct 24th
“At Cavanaugh Park
Where I used to sit
All alone in the dark
And dream about things
That I cannot say
You always said destiny
Would blow me away
And nothings gonna blow me away
At Cavanaugh Park
Where you used to take me
To play in the sand
And said to me son
One day you’ll be a man
And men can do terrible things
Yes they can
There was never any place
For someone like me
To be totally happy
I’m running out of clock
And that ain’t a shock
Some things never do change
Never do change
At Cavanaugh Park
We used to get high
Watchin teams as they fought
They loved my friend Adam
But he always got caught
Man that kid made fucking up look cool
Aren’t we all so cool now, No
There was never any place
For someone like me
To be totally happy
I’m running out of clock
And that ain’t a shock
Some things never do change
Never do change
Never do change
Never do change
Never do change
At Cavanaugh Park
Where I used to think
That this life would be good
And I would do things
That I thought that I should
And no ones going to tear me down
There was never any place
For someone like me
To be totally happy
I’m running out of clock
And that ain’t a shock
Some things never do change
There was never any place
For someone like me
To be totally happy
I’m running out of clock
And that ain’t a shock
Some things never do change
Never do change
Never do change
Never do change
Never do change”
– “Cavanaugh Park” by Something Corporate
memory lane
Oct 19th
“There is a pleasure in the pathless woods;
There is a rapture on the lonely shore;
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more…”
– Lord Byron
context
Oct 16th
While I’ll never be able to say it as eloquently or profoundly as I said it tonight in conversation, I need to find the context by which to be understood, that doesn’t involve any level of comparison to my siblings, because we don’t belong on the same scale, we’re not the same type of people.
It bothers me more than almost anything [and almost certainly more than it bothers anyone else] when I’m compared to my siblings/relatives, and as such, I tend to compare myself to them increasingly more often, which in turn, creates a very destructive circle, in which I’m always the failure. As such, I end up thinking that people compare me to my siblings (and even my extended relatives) more than they probably do, which re-inforces my feeling of being a failure.
And when forced to be measured by the scales [or in the contexts] that measure them, I am a failure, because those scales and contexts are not the right tools by which to understand me and my life.
My brother and sister succeeded because self-reliance in the context of social-contract was one of the single most important goals for themselves; they both vowed to never end up like our parents, and worked their asses off to do so.
I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to be able to remain close to my family, without feeling like a failure, or without sacrificing myself to medication, which I know is not the right solution.
So I’m left with the understanding that for now at least, I need to find my own context by which to be understood, that doesn’t involve comparison to my family.
“I’m going away for a while
But I’ll be back, don’t try and follow me
’Cause I’ll return as soon as possible
See I’m trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes
And run
From them, from them
With no direction
We’ll run from them, from them
With no conviction
‘Cause I’m just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don’t need no road
In fact they follow me
And we just go in circles
Well Now I’m told that this is life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it
Would someone care to classify,
A broken heart and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on
And run
To them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not, Useless
We are just
Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there’s no one road
We should not be the same
But I’m just a ghost
And still they echo me
They echo me in circles”
– Paramore, “Misguided Ghosts”
On Resentment
Oct 14th
I’m just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don’t need no roads
In fact they follow me
And we just go in circles
– Paramore, Misguided Ghosts
Edited @ 11:30am, Thursday October 15, 2009, for brevity (and to minimize awkward phone calls and “intervention” attempts from friends/family.)
Here goes, its OK to resent me, I represent and embody the failure of my parents, the disaster that was my childhood, and pretty much every bad decision I’ve ever made.
Why deny that? Why be ashamed of that? Why sugarcoat it?
My siblings and relatives are more intelligent, more talented, and generally more grounded individuals, and were all guaranteed to succeed in the modern world/life in general.
I’m not.
I’m the failure of the family.
Further, I AM a failure because of me, not because of mom or dad, or anyone else.
So please don’t try to cover-up your resentment, don’t hide it in anyway, just accept it, and live with it, because I’m tired of the bullshit.